Hipster Lobby Unleashes Obnoxious Irony Throughout Washington DC

Today, Atticus Kingsley made his first rounds in the halls of DC as the social subculture movement known only as "Hipsters" acquired another asset to their ever influential activist empire. Mr. Kingsley, renown for his work with the pharmaceutical and tobacco lobbies, has become the lead figure of DC's newest "Hipster" lobby. Estimated to be making considerably more money than the highest paid lobbyists on the hill, Mr. Kingsley was contracted by the conservative leaning organization known as the Movement of Elite Hipsters (MEH) in an attempt to further the Republican cause of passing as little legislation as possible.

In an interview with renown conservative pundit Rush Limbough last week, Eric Leech, the chairman of the MEH, announced the newest addition to DC's ever-evolving lobby scene. "The constituents of MEH have been up in arms about the many rampant actions taken by our federal government in only two short years. We join our conservative brethren in the defense against actually getting things done on the hill", said Mr. Leech in the interview last thursday. "We've hired Mr. Kingsley to represent our interests due to his renown political prowess as well as his ability to persuade Republican and conservative Democrats in congress to stop legislation from being passed."

Republicans across the board appear joyful about the presence of the MEH on the hill. Prospective Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R- VA) was quoted by the Washington Post this morning on the subject, saying "We've long wished to reach across the socioeconomic aisle to our hipster constituents. The interests of the American electorate is reflected by their own, as is made evident in their ability to do absolutely nothing while maintaining a sense of intellectual accomplishment, as well as their reading several Kurt Vonnegut books in a single week, and courting an obnoxiously celebrated sense of irony."

Mr. Kingsley joined prospective House Speaker John Boehner (R- OH) on Hannity last friday after the MEH's official announcement. "I'm excited about having a presence in Washington best resembling the conservative platforms that won us the House majority this past election cycle.", said Mr. Boehner. When asked about the MEH agenda in Washington, Mr. Kingsley replied "The American public is sick of being put in a position to do stuff. [MEH] is made up of Americans like you and I, Sean. Americans that are annoyed by squares, shop exclusively at thrift stores, and don't actually have any plans for the near future outside of getting that sweet barista job at the espresso joint down the street. We lead simpler lives."

The close relationship between conservative legislators and the hipster lobby has without doubt been held in question by progressive Democrats and liberal political commentators alike. Famed left wing commentator Rachel Maddow last Saturday, tweeted "Look at this f**king hipster!", presumably in response to Mr. Kingley's recent appointment.

Despite left wing criticism, MEH is preparing it's first series of power plays for the coming congressmen in January. Unable to get a meeting at the MEH office on D street, I was lucky enough to corner Mr. Kingsley in a dim-lit back alley as he made his way home from the 7-11 on H street and Penn Ave. When asked about the first item on his agenda, Mr. Kingsley replied "Whatever you want, please just let me go home. I have kids.."

The American public can rest sound knowing that the reshaping of our troubled country will in fact have considerable opposition, now that the hipster agenda is being represented in our nation's capital. Mr. Kingley's critical appointment stands true to the MEH's rally cry, engraved across the entrance arch of their headquarters: "We Shall Overcome All Of This Overcoming".

Yeah It's Art, What The Hell Of It?

Late last week, I sat in my living room writing an article on my MacBook Pro on the evolving face of contemporary art, while downloading James Joyce’s Dubliners on my Ipad and listening to music on my $200 Bose stereo system. My roommate, who desired anonymity in accordance to a recent cocoa plant excursion, entered our living room with the ivory fruits of her journeys and a couple other new possessions amounting to a copy of Milton’s Paradise Lost, and a quill to match the small jar full of ink she had bought just days before. It was a sign from the patron saint of irony, as I thought, “Milton’s paradise is lost indeed.” The fact is that art has changed drastically from the days of Milton, Joyce, and even Vonnegut. So the question stands, are these developments detrimental? Have we established such a lack of confinement of expression through these, our Jetson-esque technological assets, that our expression is in turn made languid in depth and substance? Often, the answers of such inquiry are subject to mutation via generational gaps. The fact is that we, the willing and almost able youth, see these developments as integral to the evolution of contemporary art as a whole – a post-post modernist agenda of sorts. The argument usually takes place between my beloved Jon Stewart subscribing Gen Y, and the surviving cornerstones of the ever impressive twentieth century art scene, lighting red candles on the mantles of giant radios in lieu of Catholic saints, to call back that “fire side chatting” voice. With that in mind, let us navigate the two sides of this argument point to point before casting it to the fire the in the court of public opinion.

Most obviously, the technological development that has had the greatest influence in contemporary art has been the internet. This PC-charged, MacBook Pro world has mutated the once organic chemistry of the creative process. Now that information is available at the click of a “mouse,” whatever the damn thing is, people can perform the tasks of informed judgment, criticism, and learning with the ease and clarity once afforded by a renaissance brush stroke. Sharing artistic history, influence, ideas and developments are of highest priority in the photoshopping sophistication of contemporary artistic culture. But is it effective?

Many argue that the abundance of information flowing through the G.W. entitled “Internets” lead many to assume the false identities of articulate, well read art critics. The fact of the matter is, to the many supporters of said argument, that reading several articles and memorizing famous names of works and artists who contributed in large to artistic movements does not constitute an art expert. But is art a medium dictated by experts and critics exclusively? Was not Duchamp the son of a notary? The fact is that many of the celebrated artists of the last century have buried the ballast of their fame in the grounds, outlying the establishment. So does expertise make good art? Obviously, Duchamp could paint in the classicist style with the best of them, and thus one may argue that one cannot break the rules one does not know. But art is more than rules and the lack thereof. Art is an exercise in cognition, expression, and communication. One of which, the MacBook generation, surely knows a hell of a whole lot more about than any “Great Generation” artist may hope to learn.

Artistic rendering of cognition, expression, and communication in this technological heyday is not ill-afforded, or so it may be argued. People in large, with the grand schemes of information at their near and present disposal, may educate themselves on a level unseen by history. This grand education, in turn, realizes a broad cognition of human and universal conditions. It is in the expression of said cognitions, brought forth by these extensive systematic means of communication, that art may flourish; and it damn sure doesn’t hurt to have a means in which art may be made further aesthetically stunning. This is the stem of the pro-technological artistic movement which uses the many previously mentioned assets as well as developments to the tune of 3D film, digital photography, and digital sound engineering to bring forth tools to employ at the whim of any artist. While one can see the obvious detriments of said technologies, even Jay-Z would agree “Auto-tune” has overstayed its welcome. These are precious assets to the artistic community that can amount to just as much progressive works, in a similar fashion as the advent of canned paint amounted to in the realms of Pollock’s abstract expressionism.

Whether one stands firm against the technological developments, or employs them intelligently and creatively in one’s own work, it is impossible to disagree with the idea that the world’s means and artistic manifestations are changing. But not all change is bad. As a recent cell phone ad campaign on the train pronounced: “Some change is 4G.”

Dept. Of Homeland Security Releases New Alert Update In Time For The Holidays: 'Four Ways To Know If You're Dating A Terrorist'

Just last Thursday, while the world as we know it (and by the world I mean the U.S.) was celebrating the American yearly ritualistic slaughtering of our would-be national bird, the U.S. Deptartment of Homeland Security finished its touches on its newest security alert update. Produced in conjunction with Costcopolitan Magazine, a magazine born in response to the developing literary movement history is calling the “Movement Of People Who Buy Magazines For The Pretty Pictures, Not All Those Stupid Articles” (MOPWBMFTPPNATSA), the department of the Obama administration has released “Four Ways To Know If You're Dating A Terrorist,” an inoffensive, question-based guide to straying away from the kind of boyfriend who may wage holy war on you.

In accordance with a 2009 bill that forces American publications to print any national security update published by the nice people at Homeland Security, we’ve brought you said update to employ during your usual dating security measures:

1) Does He Only Buy Hideous Shoes?

A Recent poll taken by Princeton University, in conjunction with the Department of Defense's "Fear Your Peers" campaign, shows that 92.6% of terrorists exclusively buy hideous shoes often at lower prices than an aesthetically pleasing pair of shoes. Department officials have commented on the trend, citing the limited amount of time terrorists usually spend with their shoes as the logic behind the terroristic trend. Robert Blacken, spokesman for the "Fear Your Peers" campaign, confirmed it earlier this week on CNN, telling Wolf Blitzer, "I wouldn't waste $60 on shoes if I were going to blow up next week either. It's a good economic move in these rough economic times."

2) Does He Usually Have A Face? If So, Does He Lease Or Own?

Investigations into terrorist organizations across the world have led investigators spanning the length of the international community to note that most terrorist attempts – foiled or otherwise – are enacted by persons who either own or lease a face, the latter being much more prominent. Consuela Bibliotheca, a lead investigator part of the U.S. and Spain’s joint venture "Credit Checks for Cheeks," recently spoke with Bill O'Reilly on the matter of the increasing numbers of the facial leasing markets of the world, focusing exclusively on the billion dollar industry of the American Facial Leasing Market. "From 2000 to 2010, the number of leases signed per year has increased exponentially. It's up 217% from what it was in 2005." Developments in cheek and chin leasing have been responded to with calls from the left to regulate the market, a prospect Republicans and fiscally conservative Democrats oppose altogether. "It's a building crisis," concluded Mrs. Bibliotheca. "Most terrorists have been throwing off authorities by leasing to own, clearly with every intention of breaking their leases."

3) Does He Wear Weird/Unusual Clothes?

A recent interview with controversial terrorist turned activist Kerri Jestwin caught the eye of millions across the country. Sean Hannity sat with Mrs. Jestwin on Oct. 14 to discuss why she left the Hi- Pster terrorist organization (an organization funded exclusively by known terrorist organizations the world over) during her training before she was able to break any laws in the name of the Hi-Pster holy war on the “American Square.” “I cannot do it Sean. I simply will not,” Mrs. Jestwin said to Hannity. "Terrorism, in my experience, Sean, is for those with little to no fashion sense. I don't mean to be offensive, but that's what my experience is saying.” Mr. Hannity proceeded to straighten his tie in response to a suspicious look Mr. Jestwin posed as he signed off.

4) Does He Spend Several Months/Years Planning To Execute A Violent Act With The Intent Of Murdering Innocent Civilian Bystanders?

The latest numbers from studies done at universities across the world, including Harvard, Princeton, University Of Cambridge, Oxford, and Yale, have come to the conclusion that anyone meeting said criteria is a terrorist and should be treated as such. Furthermore, the studies show that there are absolutely no benefits to generalizing the idea of a Middle Eastern Muslim, or a Muslim of any ethnicity for that matter. When asked if profiling would be an effective means of security, Professor of Global Politics Edward Army, a lecturer on the subject of homeland security, was quoted as saying: "You have to be sh***ing me.... The answer is no, please leave my office."

So? How did you fare? Is your boyfriend a terrorist? The Department of Homeland Security asks that you share the questions with your friends and family over a nice fun dinner! Also, please contact the Dept. in the event of large, socially relevant realization at 1-888-NOT-REALLY.

Republican John A. Boehner's Tan Ready To Rally Conservatives Against Obama In 2012!

Ideas for the 2012 Republican ticket for US president has been kicked around since the day after 2008 election results became known. People across the country have been pressing this hot button, but it's looking like a couple of people have solidified the American expectation for Republcan candidacy. Still in the more hectic, ad-filled seasons, like the midterm we just experienced, we always get strong reminders of the otherwise moderately touched issue. And in 2012, there is but one candidate that's definitely taking the popular vote for the Republican ticket. It's a patriot. It's not a quitter, and It's damn proud of it! It's popular amongst low to mid income moms due to It's known "momma grizzly" status. It's not scared to combat the left-wing incumbent administration, and It's been wowing people since birth. And the most revealing fact for It's new found expectancy as top pick for the Repub's 2012 ticket? It has Sarah Palin's endorsement! You've definitely heard of It's many endorsers that account for a huge part of the youth vote as well as the MTV audience. It's bright and exceptionally outspoken! It's hilarious! It's John A. Boehner's Tan!

Now, the tale of Mr. Boehner's Tan goes back before the Tan officially announced on It's Twitter account that It would be running. And while the Tan has gained both fame and notoriety in DC's ever evolving political scene, the usual famed pundits haven't spared a chance to hypothesize the true meaning of this particular candidate's nomination, specifically in regards to Sarah Palin's endorsement of the previously unexpected candidate. Speculation by said pundits is centered around the nomination being subsequent to Mrs. Palin's own announcement for candidacy. Mrs. Palin, referencing herself in her October 28th interview with Mary Hart of Entertainment Tonight, reminded the electorate of her desire of running only "If there's nobody else to do it."

Much to the dismay of some 'Momma Grizzlies', someone was actually willing to run for president on the Republican ticket. Michael Steele announced last Wednesday afternoon on The Fox News Channel that the Republican National Committee had conferred with Rush Limbough as well as the asset portfolio's of the country's wealthiest 1% and come up with the reasonable conclusion that the only candidate able to pull together the conservative electorate against Obama's reelection campaign would be John A. Boehner's Tan. "The Tan has everything the conservative movement needs in a leader right now", said Mr. Steele on the faux news channel. "We need someone who can rally conservatives the way Obama rallied the left in the 2008 campaign, baby. That constitutes firing-up not only our upper and upper-middle class constituents, but also all those other poor people and the increasingly influential 'MTV youth'." Consequently, Mr. Boehner's Tan announced last night, in what has turned out to be the most politically controversial decision since McCarthy laid foundation for Glenn Beck, that Jersey Shore's own Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi would lead the effort as campaign manager. Subsequently, "Snooki" will be leading the campaign from her home in Marlboro, NY; citing prospective court-appointed community service as her reason for being unable to leave the state. "That's the thing about Snooki", said Mr. Steele on Fox. "She's just a regular girl. And that's what this country needs in it's leaders. Not latte drinking elites like Barack Obama, but just regular people who may or may not be fined several hundred dollars as a consequence of their public behavior. You know, the everyman."

Although "Snooki" was unavailable for comment, (she would only concede to interviews taking place in her favorite New York nightclub after 9 p.m.), I was able to secure an interview with John Boehner on the grounds that I didn't address the Tan directly. Despite my having to face the wall during the interview, I was able to ask Mr. Boehner about the effect his Tan's announced candidacy has had on his career as well as his personal life. "It's been tough", he said on the subject. I could hear his words quivering in his mouth as he slowly broke into his signature soft sob. "It's just that I thought, you know, being elected Minority Leader in 2007 and then being the number one choice for Speaker in this last election, that I would have a shot. But I guess the RNC knows what's best." The congressman was referencing a statement the RNC released just days before my interview with Mr. Boehner commenting on it's overlooking the prospective House Speaker. "Somebody's got to knock down every proposition put forth by House Dems. Congressman Boehner is already in place so it just made sense to keep him there." After comforting the congressman with tea and biscuits my crew had prepared for the expected emotional encounter, Mr. Boehner commented on the political implications the nomination would have for the Republican party and the country's conservative movement. "In 2008, the democratic ticket broke barriers with the election of Barack Obama. Still, putting our best foot forward means more than just changing history. I mean, it's fantastic that the American people get an opportunity to elect the world's first tan president. But more important is the plans the Tan has for the country which exemplify the conservative ideals of restrictive government, lowered taxes, and restricted government spending."

Liberal pundits prove their disconnect to the American people with their criticism of the Tan as a candidate. Award winning pundit Keith Olbermann, on his radical leftist opinion show Countdown with Keith Olbermann, commented on the RNC's announcement on the same evening calling it "Ridiculous", and citing the nomination as "Evidence that there is no one in the Republican leadership that is making any kind of sense really." Olbermann did have some praise for the RNC's nomination, despite his criticisms saying: "It may be sad, but the Tan is simply less insane than any of the other proposed candidates on the right. And for that, I have to commend the RNC on their decision." When asked about Olbermann's comments, Mr. Boehner stated that "He, and frankly liberal democrats altogether, clearly doesn't understand the dire situation Americans are in. My tan's nomination is a direct response from the Republican leadership to the concerns Americans have. It's the same response we had for the Tea Party when they became an even further conservative arm of our party, and it's the same response we have for the country every time we let Sarah Palin loose."

The often radical left has also attacked the nomination on the record front just yesterday, employing the same battle cry they deemed ineffective in 2008 against Obama. "The tan has no damn record! It's a God-damn tan! It can't vote!", said radical left wing political commentator Bill Maher on his HBO show Real Time With Bill Maher on HBO. Conservative commentator Rush Limbough countered with reason saying on his radio show "I've yet, in my life, seen such blatant disregard for civility in this country. The fact is that we need a non-establishment leader! Washington has been taken over by the establishment! The Tan will be the most powerful everyman on the Hill."

The 2012 elections are a long ways away, but the campaigning thereof is set to begin this January. That in mind, it's evident that the Republican leadership has answered the conservative call for action against the establishment. The nomination of John A. Boehner's tan for President not only is a step in making history, but it's an extension of the country's anger with the current ruling class, as displayed in this last election which almost exclusively owes it's result to anger amongst the electorate. We must, as a country, act progressively and displace the progressive movement. We must not let our anger with the government get in the way of sane and reasonable decisions. America has a chance, with this nomination, to fast track the almost overwhelmingly reasonable conservative agenda and put the country back on track while making history. To quote Sarah Palin in her ET interview, in the realm of sanity and reasonability amidst the Republican leadership, "There's nobody else to do it".