Hipster Lobby Unleashes Obnoxious Irony Throughout Washington DC

Today, Atticus Kingsley made his first rounds in the halls of DC as the social subculture movement known only as "Hipsters" acquired another asset to their ever influential activist empire. Mr. Kingsley, renown for his work with the pharmaceutical and tobacco lobbies, has become the lead figure of DC's newest "Hipster" lobby. Estimated to be making considerably more money than the highest paid lobbyists on the hill, Mr. Kingsley was contracted by the conservative leaning organization known as the Movement of Elite Hipsters (MEH) in an attempt to further the Republican cause of passing as little legislation as possible.

In an interview with renown conservative pundit Rush Limbough last week, Eric Leech, the chairman of the MEH, announced the newest addition to DC's ever-evolving lobby scene. "The constituents of MEH have been up in arms about the many rampant actions taken by our federal government in only two short years. We join our conservative brethren in the defense against actually getting things done on the hill", said Mr. Leech in the interview last thursday. "We've hired Mr. Kingsley to represent our interests due to his renown political prowess as well as his ability to persuade Republican and conservative Democrats in congress to stop legislation from being passed."

Republicans across the board appear joyful about the presence of the MEH on the hill. Prospective Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R- VA) was quoted by the Washington Post this morning on the subject, saying "We've long wished to reach across the socioeconomic aisle to our hipster constituents. The interests of the American electorate is reflected by their own, as is made evident in their ability to do absolutely nothing while maintaining a sense of intellectual accomplishment, as well as their reading several Kurt Vonnegut books in a single week, and courting an obnoxiously celebrated sense of irony."

Mr. Kingsley joined prospective House Speaker John Boehner (R- OH) on Hannity last friday after the MEH's official announcement. "I'm excited about having a presence in Washington best resembling the conservative platforms that won us the House majority this past election cycle.", said Mr. Boehner. When asked about the MEH agenda in Washington, Mr. Kingsley replied "The American public is sick of being put in a position to do stuff. [MEH] is made up of Americans like you and I, Sean. Americans that are annoyed by squares, shop exclusively at thrift stores, and don't actually have any plans for the near future outside of getting that sweet barista job at the espresso joint down the street. We lead simpler lives."

The close relationship between conservative legislators and the hipster lobby has without doubt been held in question by progressive Democrats and liberal political commentators alike. Famed left wing commentator Rachel Maddow last Saturday, tweeted "Look at this f**king hipster!", presumably in response to Mr. Kingley's recent appointment.

Despite left wing criticism, MEH is preparing it's first series of power plays for the coming congressmen in January. Unable to get a meeting at the MEH office on D street, I was lucky enough to corner Mr. Kingsley in a dim-lit back alley as he made his way home from the 7-11 on H street and Penn Ave. When asked about the first item on his agenda, Mr. Kingsley replied "Whatever you want, please just let me go home. I have kids.."

The American public can rest sound knowing that the reshaping of our troubled country will in fact have considerable opposition, now that the hipster agenda is being represented in our nation's capital. Mr. Kingley's critical appointment stands true to the MEH's rally cry, engraved across the entrance arch of their headquarters: "We Shall Overcome All Of This Overcoming".

There Ain't No Party Like A T Party 'Cause A T Party Don't Stop!

If you live in Boston, around the Boston area, or have ever taken a single step in the New England region, you probably have a very close connection to the movement that is sweeping the nation currently. Yes you've probably heard all the crazy stories from the base ball bat cleaning practices to the rampant witchcraft being performed, but all of it is made possible only by America's new darling, a party we here in Boston know and love the most, the T Party! The events orchestrated by this concentration of mental and often unintelligible people that society has coined "T Baggers", are equally as bizarre as the T Baggers themselves. Now, everyone knows where the name comes from, especially if you take up residence here in Boston, and you frequent the harbor where "Tea Bagging" was first conceived! But this movement is taking across to cities and metro systems all over the country! Yes, the T party has been seeing it's rhetoric coming almost systematically in and out of the mouths of American political pundits and news casters since it's inception, when a bunch of displeased Americans were "sick of the same old practices and looking for a new way to please themselves."

I caught up with a spokesman for the original T Party here in Boston, Rudey Beaver, at the Semi-Outdoor Boston Jockstrap Rally (SOB JR) last Thursday at the Hynes Convention Center to discuss the T Party movement and it's almost perpetually progressing influence. "We're a people brought together by the ideals of the original 'T Baggers', men like Jefferson, Washington, and Adams", said Mr. Beaver. "Bottom line, we stand for less government. We don't want to be restricted by administrations that have lost touch with the American people." And most of the American populace would agree, restriction is definitely not on the tea bagging docket. But what exactly is the T Party? What do they do? What do they stand for and how do they manifest their opinions? Mr. Beaver had some food for thought on the lot of inquiry. "The T Party is a movement named and recognized for it's iconic events. These events, here in Boston, usually take place on the T where T Baggers, after long hours of pre-assembly, convene on the T and exercise their American right to free speech and assembly." When asked what other criticisms of the current local, state, and federal government the T Party may have, Mr. Beaver seemed a tad ill at ease with the line of questioning. "The T Party is concerned with American freedom, sir", he said when I asked what makes up the party's political platform. "We are fiscal and social conservatives gathered to make a stand for what we believe in. Any question anyone may ask about our core beliefs can be answered with a quick glance at our 'Contract By America'." The 'Contract By America' is a document quite few people have seen really. Written in half red pen, half 'Mac-and-cheese' colored pencil, it outlines the beliefs of the T Party down to 10 simple agenda items the T Party demands all representatives of government at any level follow. Unfortunately the bright yellowish nature of most of the document's font, coupled with a large coffee stain at the upper third of the document, deemed it illegible for my purposes of examination.

Though Mr. Beaver was short for time to elaborate on these issues, I was able to schedule a meeting with T Party head political strategist Clara DeTurtoga. When asked about the fiscal legislations supported by the T Party, Mrs. DeTurtoga replied "Our organization supports fiscal conservatism. That means less spending which in turns means permanent and increasing tax cuts." When asked about the obvious effects lowering taxes would have on increased government borrowing, Mrs. DeTurtoga replied "Well if we just stopped spending so much, we wouldn't have to borrow." When asked about the services that would be affected by the loss of funds and how the failing of the banking system without the bail-out would have meant the failing of the American economic system altogether, Mrs. DeTurtoga seemed confused and began to speak to her assistants in pig-latin before she excused herself from the meeting citing a scheduling conflict. While I was unable to seek out conference with any other T Party representatives, I was still able to meet with a couple T Baggers themselves!

Stacy and Owen Park are a married couple native to the Boston area and currently residing in Back Bay. I was able to ask them about their political views outside of a T stop where a T Party demonstration would be taking place later that night. "The current President and his entire administration along with the elites of the democratic party is what's wrong with the American system of governance today.", said Mr. Park as he held close to his scarlet foam 'T' finger. "This 'T' finger and this movement is a living statement saying 'We're here and we have a voice, and you can't stop us... until 12:30am when the T closes down... But that's ok because we'll be here tomorrow... maybe... if we can get a sitter.." Mrs. Park had equally strong sentiments on the T Party events. "I feel these events best explain what we're going for in a political sense. Freedom. Freedom is the be all end all for us. And if we can't have it, then we're going to party on the T until we can have it." Still it's these events along with their awkward political ideals that put this movement in jeopardy of loosing the quick relevance it's received in the American socio-political scene. There seems to be a big disconnect with the ideals being preached by the T Party and the T Parties themselves. "It is our right granted to us by the greatest men in our country's history.", said Mrs. Park before her and her husband made their way underground. "The right to speak our minds in assembly!"

And assemble they do! Anyone who has ever been caught trying to get home after a long friday night or tuesday night or sometimes even monday night will probably encounter the T Party on their way home. It may be a less than quaint and inescapable bout of words where the sober individual will not understand what the party stands for, or maybe just a T Bagger regurgitating his or her 'political ideals' all over your shoes. Here in Boston, the locals have coined a term to describe the encounters with the T Bagging populace. "Scrotumnizing", said Boston native and Suffolk Prof. of Sociology Dr. Ezra Brooks when asked about the term, "Is the act of coming across a T Bagger and finding his or her inability to communicate their political agenda to be the most potent asset to the interaction as a whole." Mr. Brooks, who claims to be amongst the casualties of last Tuesday's October 19th T Party, had this to say on the encounter: "It was horrible. I've never been so thoroughly confused. It was like they were angry drunk children who had no understandable point to make and yet felt the need to voice a loud and unintelligent opinion rather than propose an idea that makes any kind of sense. I exited the train 12 stops early and had to walk home for about an hour in the cold just to get away from it, but I couldn't escape the smell of sweaty... Well.. You know... The air was filled with the musky smell from sweaty T Party-ers, so much so that I could taste it in my mouth.. The..You know.."

These movements, whether you agree or disagree with them in any way, are a clear and present response to the lack of satisfaction with our current and past governance. While it is always an act of patriotism to respect and defend the rights of others and to use your rights to voice your own worries and concerns, it is also a civic responsibility to do so responsibly and to fully understand what it is that we are saying in the event that we do say it. It is this desperate attempt to relinquish our anger with our governance, albeit in the form of angry belligerent protesters with insane claims, or in the form of crazy blame games and unmindful political movements birthed strictly from the lack of reason afforded to anger that brings us today's Less Than Modest Proposal.