Republican Fatigue

Democrats recently reported from the partisan trenches of the Senate that they will not have the votes needed to pass the DREAM Act, a piece of legislation that would allow young immigrants a path to citizenship via a college education or military service, amongst many other criteria. Critics against the bill (which passed in the House) are quick to blame Republicans.

“Son el diablo esos marditos senadores. Lo que me gustaria es meterle la cabeza por el culo, sabes? Darle verdadero sentido a la metaphora,” said Geraldo Cosme, a local Boston gardener, when asked about the Senate’s role in the DREAM Act getting shelved. Formally, the lack of Republican support for the bill stems from Republican promises to not “prioritize any matters above the critical issues of funding the government and preventing a job-killing tax hike,” or so said the formal letter recently issued and signed by the 42 members of the GOP caucus.

In reality, the matters were of a quite different concern. I sat with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConell (R- KY) Saturday at his house in Louisville to discuss the issue.

The day was frigid as a scorned woman, or a light-hearted conversation with Dick Cheney. Like Obama exiting a bipartisan conference, I could see my hot breath clearly in the icy air approaching Senator McConnel’s front door. There he stood, dressed in a traditional Kentucky “Turtle Shell,” the celebratory garb of many a Kentucky man whom a turtle he eerily doth resemble. Much to my surprise, the Minority Leader was bent on having his outside Saturday lemonade, a tradition in the McConnell household involving lemons, water, sugar, a couple pint glasses, and a 17-year-old Hispanic immigrant on all fours being paid what McConnell called “A handsome hourly wage for any table, none the less one without papers.

“The concerns of the ludicrous right…” he said, pausing quickly for a lemonade induced cough. “I mean, the Republican party, has a lot to do with making sure the tax cuts are passed. But if I can keep it real, we’re just kind of tired,” McConnell concluded.

We went on to discuss how much “crap” the Republicans had to deal with the last two years. Though it was difficult at first to keep away the radical idea that McConnell was suggesting laziness as the catalyst for the recent Republican legislative mannerisms, the conversation quickly became reasonable as McConnell made it simple.

“Have you ever had to filibuster like a million things? It’s totally labor intensive,” he said, describing the arduous task of herding often elderly, scared, and confused conservative Senators like John McCain (R-AZ) towards a podium where they must, often incoherently, give somber and illogical reasons why any legislation proposed by their blue-dog counterparts should be quickly destroyed.

“It’s not easy. We need a break from all this overcoming the Democratic agenda. It’s not a personal thing, I mean, we love immigrants at heart! And who doesn’t love and appreciate 9/11 responders suffering from health complications attributed to their heroic actions on that day! It’s just that the Democrats keep proposing and proposing and proposing and…” said the Kentucky Senator as he went into an incoherent rant about Democrats and their chronic need to pass legislation in response to the dire straits of our country. “It’s like it’s all they think about. Give it a well deserved break!” he concluded.

Senator McConnell finally came clean about the real reason for the dismissal of important legislation like the 9/11 Health Care Bill, the DREAM Act, the repealing of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and the highly contested ASSS Bill, (Annual Senatorial Secret Santa Bill), which would place a cap of $20 on all gifts purchased for the ASSS. And I for one was not the least bit shaken. The fact is, Republicans are people too. They need a little R&R, and it’s well deserved after so much work done halting the plethora of progressive legislation put forth by Democrats that would have translated into months or years of work, regulation, and general attentiveness to the plights of Americans across the country. “I just don’t have it in me, Ronald,” said the over-worked McConnell. Placing his drink down onto the back of his table-person, Senator McConnell kneeled in humility and pleaded, “Please. Don’t make me do stuff!!”

I left the McConnell home with a new outlook on Republican strategy in Congress. My sweater was still wet with Kentucky Senator tears as I headed to the house of an old friend, House Majority Leader John Boehner. My intention to fill the void set by questions of why House Republicans were compelled to pass the DREAM Act, despite their sweat shop working conditions, was adequately met within the first minutes of our conversation in the living room of his Ohio home. “It’s simple,” said the Republican powerhouse. “We had a brunch scheduled with the elect House newbies for earlier that day at this new tapas bar down K Street, you know, near the 7-11 and that weird scrotum-shaped culdesac. So it got pretty wild because a lot of the Tea Party newbs had never had sangria,” said the Majority Leader as we sat watching the Scarface Widescreen Two-Disk Anniversary Edition. “By the time we had sobered up enough to realize what we had just voted on, there was no turning back.”

It all made perfect sense. House Repubs never had an intention to get stuff done! It was all just a simple misunderstanding. I mean, why in turn would they pass the DREAM Act, arguably the most difficult of the bills shelved by congress to put into action. It first requires that you locate immigrants in the U.S. who are under 16 years of age and were brought here by their immigrant parents. Then they’d have to earn a high school diploma/GED, demonstrate “good moral character,” attend two years of college or serve two years of military service, and pass criminal background checks only to receive a six-year conditional status, time in which they must meet other conditions to complete their path to citizenship! Holy cow! Talk about doing stuff! Passing this legislation would put in motion many wheels of government. “Wheels we’re going to need to knock down another two years of progressive and tactful ideas proposed by Democrats,” said Mr. Boehner when asked about the seeming infinite steps immigrants would have to be put through under the DREAM Act. “Who do you think would have to fill out the paperwork while they do all that stuff? The government! And we don’t even get anything out of it! We’re already citizens!”

The sad tale of Republican fatigue is not what rings through the halls of the Hill, nor is it what is being reported by the mass media. These poor Republicans are pleading with the American people, in earnest and dire fashion, for a chance to catch their breath. And though it may seem that Republican legislators are courting the Bush Tax Cuts above any other piece of legislation that would serve the other 98 percent of individuals, their tax cut arguments don’t defend in order to keep their fellow fabulously wealthy folk floating on, it’s important that we keep in mind that it only SEEMS that way.

The matter here has nothing to do with anything other than Republican fatigue drawn from their ‘Get-R-Undone’ mentality. So defend your tired and often cranky Republican leaders, America! For as Mr. Boehner concluded at the end of our interview: “We’re doing the best we can think of. We just hope Americans can actually get a clue and give us a couple of days off soon.”

Hipster Lobby Unleashes Obnoxious Irony Throughout Washington DC

Today, Atticus Kingsley made his first rounds in the halls of DC as the social subculture movement known only as "Hipsters" acquired another asset to their ever influential activist empire. Mr. Kingsley, renown for his work with the pharmaceutical and tobacco lobbies, has become the lead figure of DC's newest "Hipster" lobby. Estimated to be making considerably more money than the highest paid lobbyists on the hill, Mr. Kingsley was contracted by the conservative leaning organization known as the Movement of Elite Hipsters (MEH) in an attempt to further the Republican cause of passing as little legislation as possible.

In an interview with renown conservative pundit Rush Limbough last week, Eric Leech, the chairman of the MEH, announced the newest addition to DC's ever-evolving lobby scene. "The constituents of MEH have been up in arms about the many rampant actions taken by our federal government in only two short years. We join our conservative brethren in the defense against actually getting things done on the hill", said Mr. Leech in the interview last thursday. "We've hired Mr. Kingsley to represent our interests due to his renown political prowess as well as his ability to persuade Republican and conservative Democrats in congress to stop legislation from being passed."

Republicans across the board appear joyful about the presence of the MEH on the hill. Prospective Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R- VA) was quoted by the Washington Post this morning on the subject, saying "We've long wished to reach across the socioeconomic aisle to our hipster constituents. The interests of the American electorate is reflected by their own, as is made evident in their ability to do absolutely nothing while maintaining a sense of intellectual accomplishment, as well as their reading several Kurt Vonnegut books in a single week, and courting an obnoxiously celebrated sense of irony."

Mr. Kingsley joined prospective House Speaker John Boehner (R- OH) on Hannity last friday after the MEH's official announcement. "I'm excited about having a presence in Washington best resembling the conservative platforms that won us the House majority this past election cycle.", said Mr. Boehner. When asked about the MEH agenda in Washington, Mr. Kingsley replied "The American public is sick of being put in a position to do stuff. [MEH] is made up of Americans like you and I, Sean. Americans that are annoyed by squares, shop exclusively at thrift stores, and don't actually have any plans for the near future outside of getting that sweet barista job at the espresso joint down the street. We lead simpler lives."

The close relationship between conservative legislators and the hipster lobby has without doubt been held in question by progressive Democrats and liberal political commentators alike. Famed left wing commentator Rachel Maddow last Saturday, tweeted "Look at this f**king hipster!", presumably in response to Mr. Kingley's recent appointment.

Despite left wing criticism, MEH is preparing it's first series of power plays for the coming congressmen in January. Unable to get a meeting at the MEH office on D street, I was lucky enough to corner Mr. Kingsley in a dim-lit back alley as he made his way home from the 7-11 on H street and Penn Ave. When asked about the first item on his agenda, Mr. Kingsley replied "Whatever you want, please just let me go home. I have kids.."

The American public can rest sound knowing that the reshaping of our troubled country will in fact have considerable opposition, now that the hipster agenda is being represented in our nation's capital. Mr. Kingley's critical appointment stands true to the MEH's rally cry, engraved across the entrance arch of their headquarters: "We Shall Overcome All Of This Overcoming".