Rampant Shortage Of Closets Devastates A Homophobic Uganda!

For a seemingly gorgeous perpetuity, man has had the common decency to restrict his innate desire to screw his fellow man to a discreet physical action. We screw our best friends, our co-workers, and pretty much anyone who stands in the way of anything we want. But the innovations in moral and common decency and the restrictions these assets to the world's societies impose have created a strong moral fiber for which we urge, please, that if you must screw your fellow man, don't tell us a thing, because we promise not to ask. And though everyone quite outwardly seeks gaiety, I wouldn't think it wrong if a couple hundred thousand Boston residents got a letter from the D.A. reminding us politely to keep our gayness to a minimum, maybe citing the work of Edgar Allen Poe as a great start. But what if said letter never came? What do you do when radical groups speak out in their efforts to disrupt the perfect little blue balls, (after all there is a second and third world, you know), we live in? How do you deal with a group that is obviously, despite their own acknowledgement thereof, targeting innocent people with harmful and dangerous rhetoric? Before we examine the problem at hand, I will ring the Hannity-an call to calm by reminding you that we don't have to worry about this issue in this country, since we have all agreed without any remarkable dissent to ignore that specific nine ton gorilla in the barracks. As such, please, "Let not your heart be troubled". But according to a BBC News article entitled "Attacks reported on Ugandans newspaper 'outed' as gay", across the universe in a seemingly backwards place named Uganda they are actually giving a platform to these agitators by printing their names in the news paper! Yes as difficult as it may be to believe, Uganda's infant so called news publication, (those damned radical leftists!), The Rolling Stone has published the 15 names of homosexuals in their paper, and threatens to continue to do so. The whole of the civilized world has condemned these actions, obviously in an effort to keep the homosexuals out of the public light. I was able to speak with Rainer Williams, 22, a third year Harvard undergrad and renown Boston closet homosexual on the subject at a chance meeting at Jacques Caberet last wednesday. "I don't understand", said Mr. Williams as I handed him his Guinness Extra Stout and calmly sipped my Cosmo. "Why would anyone commit to the obvious social irresponsibility of publishing the names of closet homosexuals? It's obviously just a radical activist group's attempt at giving these people a platform for which the world can sympathize with homosexuals and harvest support for their cause." I find the idea absurd myself, especially when I came across reports that suggest Ugandan homosexuals themselves don't want their names to be published either! Though they describe their hardship having more to do with the rampant discriminatory policies being pushed by the Ugandan government as well as radical homophobic tendencies in the country that are amounting up to open threats and acts of violence, (sometimes by the hands of the victim's own family); I can't help but think maybe they just rather not be asked altogether.. you know.. to avoid moments of social awkwardness. Unfortunately, I was short for time with Mr. Williams as I had a garden to tend to and I really wanted to pop in my new Liza Mannelli: Greatest Hits CD. In the event of your concern, it was fabulous. Still I was lucky enough to meet with one of Mr. Wiliams' famed 'un-outed' counterparts.

Deniss Wheeler, 36, Boston's own reputed closet heterosexual was available for comment on the subject last thursday after the release party of his highly awaited autobiographical fiction "In Wolves Clothing: The Struggles Of Men Who Might Be Closet Heterosexuals, But Would Certainly Never Bring It Up In Conversation Due To The Inappropriate Direction The Conversation Would Clearly Take". When asked his thoughts on the supposed news paper's practices, Mr. Wheeler expressed a sobering thought. "It's one thing to tell someone they're not worthy, due to their sexual orientation, of performing the tasks they have, for the most part, already honorably performed in the interest of their country and their society. Thats simply an accepted contention in every country around the world, except for every major active power in most of the world... but Europe and most other places have always fell behind on the times. Still it is different and highly inexcusable to allow us homosexuals a platform with which we can gather support from anyone who is in their right sense of mind." Truer words were never spoken.

The stance the Ugandan government is taking and promoting to it's people on the issue of homosexuality is radical at best, and it is quite honestly shocking that a policy like our military's own Don't Ask Don't Tell would be an anti-gravatational leap from where they are currently. I was able to ask Mr. Wheeler his thoughts on The Rolling Stone as a news organization. Again, it might have been all the O'Douls, but sobering thoughts ensued. "Any news organization that profits from the targeted detriment of any one member of the society it supposedly serves is not a news organization. It is, at best, a menace to society and should be dealt with accordingly with swift eradication from said society by said society.", he said as he reached in his quite stylish man bag and offered me a piece of fruit gum. Again, in the event of your concern, it was fabulously fruity.

The sir's thoughts appear to shape the world's contention as it concerns Uganda's and The Rolling Stone's stance on the issues of homosexuality. And while I think both groups are highly radical and hinder the growth of their own country with their lack of social morality, I find that I and the two groups have something in common. They seem to keep to the belief that people should Not be treated as people regardless of sexual orientation. And I have to agree with their pair-of-dimes. My own two cents can't help but conclude that people should be treated as people specifically regardless of anything. And so to that effect, permit your heart be troubled.

It is the common thought on the social responsibilities of social media, and the abuses thereof running rampant in our own society and more radically across the world, that bring us today's Less Than Modest Proposal.